Browse Professor Quotes

"You have 20 minutes to craft your design. Remember, no matchy matchy!

...

What, no Project: Runway?"

—Chaia Heller, Gender Studies 250, relating essay writing to Project: Runway

Some people can just do these exercises without even trying. We don't like them very much.

—Gail Fuller, on difficult Pilates exercises

Medical students are terrible people.

—Curtis Smith, on the difference between Mount Holyoke and UCLA

"Your aggressor's groin is not going to be way up there! The tallest man I've ever seen was almost seven feet tall, and his groin was only up to here; I remember because I used to look at it..."

—Barbara Arrighi, Women's Self-Defense, correcting the class on groin kicks

So carbon is kind of like the friendly atom... or the trashy atom, if you want to look at it that way...

—Desiree Plata, explaining why carbon can take four covalent bonds

"I hear there were a few problems with the lecture assignment for today... Well, you'll all just have to fail."

—Jim Teresco, Compsci 211

Conway: Are people from Bulgaria called Bulgars?

Bulgarian student: No...

Conway: Then what are they called?

Bulgarian student: ...Bulgarians?

—Professor Conway, Calculus 101, being confused about proper adjectives

"...So when they realized that some ions have more than two charges, they were like 'Aw, balls!'"

—Professor Plata, discussing charges on metallic ions

You've seen more sperm than most people in the world!

—Rachel Fink, in Bio 200, praising us on how much lab experience we have

If I go to Mount Holyoke, then I am a woman. Sorry Justin.

—Wanda Henry, Calculus 202, remembering that there is a boy in the class

I realized there was one grader who was using checks. She won't do that anymore. I had her killed.

—Wanda Henry, Calculus 202

“Making food is laborious. I want a wife!”

—Chaia Heller, Intro to Gender Studies, on the perils of cooking

“I don’t want to tell you what I was smoking in high school, but isosceles triangles were like woooaahhh…”

—Chaia Heller, Intro to Gender Studies, on an offshoot about geometry.
Renaissance monarchs were basically spoiled children.
—Barbara Stephenson, History of Magic
Sometimes I think I should stand up and say I am a racist, just to see how people react.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Logic
Now I must pause and feed the dog some chalk.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Symbolic Logic
When he wags his tail it goes THUMP THUMP and that makes me happy.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Logic, on his dog.
Yeah, I didn't take my subtle...tea...today... Okay, that was a bad pun.
—Kim Dunn, Glee Club conductor
Have you ever listened to Latin music, like merengue? Those songs are really sappy. Like... - 'I want to blow bubbles of love in your fishtank.'
—Rachel Washa, Spanish 201
You sound like a choir of tinmen or drunken pirates
—Conductor Kim Dunn during Chorale warm ups
Madison! Come here and take a picture of her chest!
—Penny Taylor geology 101 lab asking the TA to take a picture of a student's t-shirt
I have EASY TO MANIPULATE tattooed on my forehead.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Logic
You can be at war and still sleep with each other, apparently.
—Kimberly Dunn, Conductor, Music 193: Chorale. In regard to the ruling families of Europe.
Some people say all you need to do to clear a mine field is drive a herd of sheep across it.
...Better them than us, right?
Plus, you get a lot of mutton.
—Professor Porter, Philosophy 101
Don't think I'm a crazy person who thinks Disney is trying to take over the world!
—Professor Park: Asian American Lit.
It's really an amazing and gripping event...this YouTube-ness.
—Professor Jane Gerhard
...then I wasted the whole time this morning on YouTube...
—Professor Jane Gerhard
Discussing the lifeboat example of distributive justice: There's a young boy and a priest... We'll keep them on opposite sides of the boat.
—Professor Porter, Philosophy 101
I don't know about you, but the velocity of money out of my pocket is pretty fast.
—Prof Moseley, Intro to Macroeconomics, when describing the Monetarist Theory of Inflation.
I want to reclaim the word 'whore.' I want to degender it, and I want to reclaim it.
—Bill Quillian, English 383: Just Joyce
I think you should make it a policy to find a professor other than me who says something foolish and put THEM on the bloody Jolt.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Logic, in response to being posted on the Daily Jolt yet again
But small times small equals small squared, which is smaller than small!
—Professor Jordan, Differential Equations
That whole movie is a piece of family values propaganda.
—Persa Batra, Earth Systems, on March of the Penguins
Prof Porter: Women Can function in the workplace, but that's not their function. They should be at home, having babies.
Student: Do you have tenure?
—Professor Porter, Philosophy 101
Your eyes are glazing over. Go snort some cocaine or something and wake yourselves up.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Symbolic Logic
I've said a naughty word. I've said consistency.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Logic
When you're out there dancing on some table top, please think of me.
—Laurie Priest, Ballroom Dance
The one thing that is not taking place in this flower is sex.
—Frank Brownlow, English 312: Shakespeare Adapted and Interpreted, on Bottom and Titania.
So remember, when you're eating popcorn, you're actually eating popped endosperm.
—Amy Frary, Developmental Biology
That doesn't even look like a cat. It looks like--what's that animal? A marten. A pine marten. I was trying to draw a cat, but they have pointy ears; I don't know what went wrong.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy 202: The Modern Period
That's a Y.P. not a M.P. Your problem, not mine!
—Professor Wilson, English 203: Creative Writing
This class is like a salad. Well-dressed, but vegetative.
—Professor Conway, Calculus 1
Sex with a 60 year old woman is not fun. Ahh, sex with a 60 year old man is not fun either.
—Professor Vaget, French 230: Civilizations of France
The little a came from my swarming brain. I just invented a letter.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Symbolic Logic
There are many things that loom over this book [Ulysses], but necrophilia does not seem to be one of them. Though, actually . . .
—Bill Quillian, English 383: Just Joyce
I want to read the Methods section. That's what gets me off.
—Professor Gail Hornstein, Psych 200 Experimental Methods
Professor: It's the lice.
Student: You should really get some anti-lice shampoo for that.
Professor: I should. But that's assuming that I bathe.
—Marty Conway, Math 101
Tough titties!
—Proffesor Mitchel: Phil 225, Symbolic Logic, when the class complained about his confusing notation
Mary apparently gives birth with out her hymen being torn. It's the first 'beam me out, Scotty' birth.
—Professor Penn; Sex and the Early Church
Professor: I'm not a porn star, and you're all cute. Student: Professor, you're getting scary.
—Sam Mitchell, Symbolic Logic
How much would you discount the price of a car for the following imperfection: it doesn't exist.
—Sam Mitchell, Modern Philosophy
Thursday is my day to be the faculty dominatrix.
—Holly Hanson, Food and Famine in Africa
I watch endless hours of shallow television
—Prof Gerhard, Bodily Desires
You really need an ipod...you wouldn't be able to procreate without it
—Andy Lass, Anthro of Language
Sorry, this is my afternoon for retching.
—Stan Rachootin, Biology 308: Darwin, on Victorian hypochondria
Prof Mitchell: Are you alright?

Student: No, I feel sick.

Prof Mitchell: Oh, that's alright then. I thought you were confused, but if you're puking that's fine.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy of Symbolic Logic
The Devil's a wussy and doesn't like pain.
—Professor Stephenson History 253
Does anyone know what 'pneumatic' means?.... so its a real polite way of saying someone has a real pair on her.
—Professor Hill, English 211
As a cell moves, it leaves little pieces of itself behind.. you know, kind of like Star Wars.
—Rachel Fink, Developmental Biology
Talk amongst yourselves while I go electrocute myself.
—Paul Staiti, Art History 100
Its fairly easy to justify *anything* in this miserable world.
—Professor Walter Stewart, Politics 349: International Organization
I'm all for a subversive slice of bread.
—Jane Crosthwaite, Religion 323: Feminist Theologies
He liked to smoke from one of those......... sniffle boxes........ how do you call them?
—Professor Pleshakov - History 260/RES 244 In his great Russian accent.
If you have a baby boy, you have to address the penis issue! It's there! Penis! Penis, penis, penis.
—Jenny Pkye, on the penis in Eng 323:19th Century Novel
I don't think he does young lovers as well as he does nasty older ladies.
—Professor Shaw on the poetry of Robert Frost
This class is like a salad... very well dressed, but rather vegetative.
—Professor Conway, Math 101
They're not going out to the well and saying to all the girls: Wow, I had great sex last night. But damn, he had to be a demon.
—Professor Stephenson History 253
Now don't just sit there like a vacant little catastrophe if you don't understand this.
—Professor Conway, Math 101
We need to listen to the men in our heads as much as possible. ...Oh dear, that's going on Facebook, isn't it?
—Kim Dunn, Music 193: Chorale
My theory is that Mount Holyoke College is the ultimate manifestation of the Protestant reform.
—Professor Crosthwaite, Religion 323: Feminist Theologies
He becomes an arrogant bastard over time, as do we all. I mean, get real!
—Professor Crosthwaite, Religion 323: Feminist Theologies
Trying to teach this to the freshmen is like trying to train a donkey. You just grab a 2 x 4 and hit the donkey twelve times, except you can't hit the freshmen.
—Eugene Hill to his John Donne seminar, on teaching proper paper formatting to firsties
The soul is what the mind becomes on Sundays.
—Sam Mitchell, Philosophy 202: The Modern Period
Don't you just want to get naked and roll in it?!
—Professor Landon, talking about Opus Reticulatum in Rome during J-Term
You really need an iPod... you wouldn't be able to procreate without it.
—Andrew Lass, Anthro 230
I've fertilized so many sea urchin eggs that I've lost count!
—Rachel Fink, Developmental Biology
I don't know if you want to subject yourselves to this kind of psychic trauma for fourteen weeks.
—Professor R. Shaw, An Introduction to the Study of Literature, first day of classes
I know that more people in the world speak Klingon than Welsh. Use about the same amount of phlegm in both.
—Jay Trudeau, Psych 349:Psycholinguistics
Social interaction isn't always rational, it's something we do just to do it. Topics are of no real consequence or purpose, kind of like 'The View'
—Professor Ken Tucker, Sociology 223, on Sociability
You can worship bats for all I care, I'm just wondering when you're finally gonna get around to worshipping me...
—Jane Crothswaite, Women in American Religious History
Well, I studied cell biology, and biochemistry and stuff, but that's a long way from a marmot.
—Professor Sean Decatur, in Bio/Chem 160, confessing that he had never taken Introductory Biology before sitting in the Bio 160 lectures
you've got the wrong reality there!
—Nigel Alderman discussing the origins of chess if Dramatic Revisions
The Antonine Wall was built by Antoninus Penis--I mean Antoninus Pius. Just trying to make sure you're paying attention
—Fred McGinness, History of Greece and Rome, accompanied by gales of laughter.
I giggle when I talk about sea monsters. It's just what I do.
—Erica Rundle, History of World Theater
Let's move on to something more fun...the Reagan presidency!
—Professor Czitrom, History 283, trying to change the subject from final exams
...and this is why you'd never want to go out on a sunday drive with an octopus.

later: ...and that's why no one would come to a concierto starring an octopus.
—Stan Rachootin, Bio 145
they are an orgy of comsumerism
—Dr. Morgan Medical Anthropology in reference to babyshowers
I would totally sleep with McDreamy. McSteamy not so much, but McDreamy has that hair!
—Prof. Doug Amy, Politics 266, on Grey's Anatomy
Let's turn to sex! Enough of this numbing of the groin...
—Prof. Paula Debnar, Socratic Questions, after finishing discussing Socrates' death.
If you say 'Venice in the seventeenth century,' you're not talking about a cute place with gondolas and American heiresses and ice cream.
—Eugene Hill, English 318: John Donne
When you squeeze the frog on its sides it's going to freak out a bit because it thinks you are trying to have sex with it. He's thinking I know what you are trying to do, and I want none of that!
—Gary Gillis, Bio/Chem 160, on proper frog handling techniques in lab
Killing is wrong...it's probably the first commandment. Actually, I don't know anything about commandments but it's probably in the top ten.
—Jami Weinstein, Feminist Technoscience Studies
I'd rather be in heaven with a good dog than a bunch of virgins.
—Jane Crosthwaite, Religious Ethics
“When someone tells you ‘You don’t have a choice.’ you should say ‘Ha!’ You always have a choice. It’s just whether or not you are willing to pay the price of that choice. Forget choices. Think prices.”

—Vincent Ferraro, World Politics 116
I had a teacher tell me to 'pee on the floor.'
—Therese Freedman, in explaining how to isolate certain pelvic muscles
“When someone tells you ‘You don’t have a choice.’ you should say ‘Ha!’ You always have a choice. It’s just whether or not you are willing to pay the price of that choice. Forget choices. Think prices.”

—Vincent Ferraro, World Politics 116
I am the queen, the queen of the queen, that's what it mean!
—Fred McGinnes, Ancient Greece and Rome
Don't mess around with the sacred chickens!
—Fred McGinness, History of Greece and Rome
As you may have guessed, I grew up in California- as you can see from my brawn and the various callouses I have from carrying my surfboard.
—Stan Rachootin, Bio 145
Having hooves would behoove us. Especially in a cold climate.
—Professor Townsley to her Sociology of Gender class

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